Jomb's Story. . .

  Somehow, I don’t wanna hear from you again but somehow, I still wait everyday for a message that never comes. Somehow, I don’t care about you anymore but somehow, I still miss the way it felt to talk to you. Somehow, I forget about you but somehow, you’re still always on my mind. Somehow, I’ve moved on but somehow a part of me is still stuck in the past. Somehow, I hate you for what happened but somehow, I still love you just the same. Somehow, but somehow, I need to start thinking about myself, because holding on to you isn’t bringing you back. Its only making me lose myself. And I can’t keep waiting for a moment that may never come. I have to let go, not because I want to but because I have to. Because I deserve to find peace. Because I deserve to be free from something that ended a long time ago. Somehow, I have to start choosing me.

  A friend asked me to write a story about the right person wrong time but truthfully, I don’t think the right person comes at the wrong time, I think they are just the wrong person, because if it was meant to be it simply would just be. I think we tell ourselves this is a way to cope. Its better to believe they were the right person than admit they aren’t mature enough to love you. The right person doesn’t leave because the distance, she doesn’t leave because she wants to grow. she doesn’t leave because you deserve better. The right person will see you deserve better and choose to be better, so I guess I cant. I cant write a story about the right person who comes at the wrong time because he doesn’t exist. But I guess I can write a story about the wrong person, the wrong person will teach you to love yourself everyday. The wrong person will show you that there is life after them. One filled with joy, laughter, tears, and pain. The wrong person will remind you to choose yourself ev...

  I know I’m not perfect, I never was but I swear I tried my best for you. You made me want to be better not because you ever told me I had to but because I just wanted you to be happy with me. I wanted to be someone you could be proud of someone who deserver the way you looked at me and maybe you don’t see it that way, maybe you think we both fell short that we both could have done things differently but for me you were perfect not in some unrealistic flawless way but in the way   you just were, the way you made me feel understood, the way you could make a moment feel like everything, the way you just existed in my world and made it brighter. I wasn’t trying to prove anything or reach com impossible standard. I just wanted us to work, wanted us to be something special and no matter how things turned out, ill always carry that with me, because when I think of you, I think of someone who made me want to give my all and that’s something I’ll never regret.

  Ever since we stopped being we, everything’s changed. I used to listen to music, hear quotes or read poetry and just enjoy them they were just words just melodies things I liked but never really felt, now I understand them in a way I never did before. The songs hit differently, the lyrics I used to sing a long to now feel like they’re singing about me. The quotes I used to scroll past they feel personal like they were written for exactly what I’m going through. And the Poetry its like every line pulls at something I didn’t even know I had inside me. It’s strange how you can go from hearing words to feeling them, from just enjoying something to realizing its your reality. Its not just poetry or music anymore its heartbreak longing memories, its everything I never thought I’d never understand and now I feel it all too much. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve loved and lost. You start to see the world through the eyes of every writer, every singer, every person who’s ever felt ...

When I think about you now, I’m not sad anymore at least not the way I used to be. Its different its more like a quiet nostalgia, a sense of warmth mix with a little sting. I don’t feel the weight of missing you the way I once did. I used to replay everything in my head, wishing things had turned out differently, but now its just memories. And while they’re bittersweet they’re also good. I don’t regret them I don’t regret us, it strange isn’t it. How someone can have such an impact on your life and yet you can reach a point where thinking about them doesn’t hurt anymore. Its like I’ve accepted that things are what they are and I’m okay with it, I’m note holding on to what we could have been but I’m also not angry about what we aren’t. so, no I’m not sad, I just think about you sometimes, smile a little and move on with my day because in the end I learned from us and I’m grateful for those moments even if they’re in the past now.

And we’re strangers again but this time with memories.   Memories of laughter, memories of late-night talks, of moments that felt like they’d last forever, it strange, isn’t it? To look at someone who once meant everything and realize they’re just someone you used to know. I still replay the good times in my head, the way you smile could light up the room, the way you made me feel safe, like I’d finally found my place in the world. For a while it felt like nothing could touch us like we always have each other but here we are no texts no calls no how have you been just silence and it hurts. Cause a part of me will always wonder, what if we had tried a little harder, held on a little longer maybe then we wouldn’t have ended up here. Now we’re strangers but every once in a while, I catch myself hoping you still think about me too.

  Sometimes I hope I see you again on a random day in a random place like fate decided to cross our paths one more time. I imagine what it feel like seeing your face, hearing your voice, feeling that rush of everything we used to be, but at the same time I’m scared, scared of how you’d react, would you smile? Would you stop to talk or would you look right past me like I’m just another stranger. The thought of that hurts more than I wanna admit. I don’t even know what I’d say, there’s so much I wanna tell you but the words feel heavy to speak and what if seeing you only makes me realize how much I still miss you. How much I never stopped hoping for something that’s already gone. So I don’t know maybe I hope I see you maybe I hope I don’t. all I know is that the thought of you still makes my heart ache. I don’t know if I’m ready for what would happened if our paths crossed again.

  They say time heals but it doesn’t really does it? Its not healing, its just learning how to live with the weight of it. The memories don’t fade, the feelings don’t disappear you just figure it out how to carry them. At first it feels impossible, every song every place every quiet moment reminds you of her. Her laugh her touch, the way she looked at you like you were her whole world it all lingers like a ghost. You cant escape and people tell you, you’ll move on but they don’t tell you how. They don’t tell you that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean the love goes away. It just means you learn to live with the emptiness she left behind, because some people they leave a mark on your soul. No amount of time can erase it. You don’t stop loving her, you just learn how to keep going, even with the ache in your chest that whispers, it should have been her.

  You know I still think about you, about how we never really happened but it felt like we should have. You and me we were never anything but somehow it feels like we left something unfinished like there was more to our story but we just never got there. I wonder if you ever feel that too or if it’s just me stuck in my own head, there are days I wanna tell you to ask you if you ever thought about what it could have been like if we had given it shot. But then I stopped myself because what’s the point it’s in the past and maybe it’s better left that way. I can’t help but replay it all in my mind, the way we clicked, the way it felt so easy being around you and sometimes I wonder, Did I miss my chance? Did we miss our chance? Or it just never meant to be. I don’t know why you still cross my mind after all this time but you do, maybe it doesn’t make sense but part of me will always wonder what we could have been if things had gone differently. If I had said something or if you had or i...

aku masih disini,masih berdiri di tempat yang sama. aku tak benar benar pergi darimu,aku hanya menepi dan membiarkan mu bahagia dengan jalan yang kau pilih. aku selalu menjagamu dalam diam, melihatmu dari kejauhan dan merindukanmu dalam sepi. kembalilah jika kau mau tak usah terburu-buru. 13 Desember 2021

"Aku capek." "Aku capek, mau istirahat dulu." -- "Memangnya kamu kerja apa?" "Kamu memangnya melakukan apa hari ini?" -- Kawanku, capek bukan melulu soal terlalu banyak bekerja. Atau pun terlalu banyak beraktifitas. Capek yang dirasakan seseorang bisa dikarenakan karena terlalu sering berusaha berteriak meminta tolong tapi tidak ada yang mendengar. Capek juga bisa dirasakan seseorang karena terlalu lama menarik urat senyuman, walau sebenarnya tak sedikitpun ia rasakan setitik kebahagiaan di dalam jiwanya. Atau yang lebih parah; ia capek karena sudah terlalu banyak berekspektasi terhadap manusia yang ia pikir akan mengerti, namun lagi-lagi hanya kehilangan yang ia dapatkan. Kita tak pernah tahu apa yang sedang dilalui seseorang, sejauh mana ia telah melangkah, dan berapa kali ia sudah mencoba. Jika sesekali ia mengeluh, bolehkah kalian memeluk? Atau setidaknya mengulurkan tangan? Jadi, aku capek. Apa boleh aku berhenti? Cerita akhir di...

Aku mau tulis sesuatu. Kamu jangan baca, malu. Karena akan ada banyak hal yang akan kutuliskan, tentang kamu. Kalau sedang sedih sendirian, coba pejamkan mata pelan-pelan. Kemudian bayangkan hal yang menyenangkan. Siapa tahu pikiranmu bisa sedikit lebih tenang, bahkan sampai ketiduran. Aku bukan mau tulis tutorial tidur. Karena kamu paling tidak suka diatur-atur. Aku cuma ingin pikiranmu tenang. Tak perlu bersusah payah membebani pikiran. Kalau sedang bahagia tapi tidak ada yang menyambut, cobalah datang padaku untuk bercerita sampai larut. Aku akan duduk mendengarkan sambil sesekali manggut-manggut. Ikut bahagia meski tak ikut heboh gerak sana sini macam belut. Datang saja padaku selagi kamu mau. Meski hanya tempat singgah, aku cukup bahagia ketika kamu bersedia sejenak bertamu.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my favorite round table with some friends. They saw you walked by in front of me. You didn't say hi or hello, and neither did I. But everyone who were there, knew, that I was staring at you. Hoping that you would say something, or just smile. But I should've not hope too much. But it didn't hurt me either, my heart was absolutely fine. I was surprised by the way I felt, on that day. Until a friend of mine started to ask "Dude, are you okay? forget about her. She looks so fine without you." Hearing that, I immediately smiled. I stared at her for one minute. I could see it on her face, she looks fretted. "I've loved so many people in the past, I gave them all I had. Yet they decided to leave. It was terrible at first. And I should've learn that destiny will always break me. But I cou ldn 't feel anything now. Maybe it's because I gave them so much love that I have nothing now. No feelings, just emptiness. And I am...

I miss the looks you gave me from across rooms that no one else noticed except me, the looks that told me you were just as interested in me as I was interested in you. I miss the rush in my stomach when your name appeared on my phone with a cute text about how badly you wanted to see me, about how you were free all weekend, about how you thought it had been way too long since we hung out one-on-one. I miss the feeling of your shoulder brushing up against mine on ‘accident’ except it wasn’t an accident because you kept it there the same way you kept your leg pressed against mine. We never acknowledged how much we touched, but we found a million excuses to get closer. We play fought. We grabbed at each other. We compared hand sizes. We cuddled. A part of me even misses the mixed signals you would send. I miss staying up until two in the morning, texting my friends about how confusing you were and trying to figure out why you would act so flirtatious with me one day an...

I want to know who your new boyfriend is. I want you to tell me all about him. I want to hear about what made you fall in love with him and how he’s been sweeping you off your feet ever since. Perhaps it was his looks, or his kindness, or the way he makes you laugh. Perhaps it’s every single thing about him, in which case I’d still want to know every single detail. I want to look at your pictures and how comfortable you are with him. I want to know the way he makes you feel. Safe, like home. Or perhaps nervous, rushed with adrenaline. Or both. I want to know if you see a future with him, or what you are planning to do to keep her in your life. I want to know the things he does that make you tick, and how you love him anyway. All the things you talk about whenever you talk to him, day and night and in between. I want to know. Not for comparison. Or any other ill-fated reasons. Just to know if you’re finally happy, in which case I will be, too. In w...

Saya tidak bisa berjanji bahwa ini adalah yang terakhir saya menuliskan tetang kamu, tapi akan saya usahakan untuk tidak terlalu sering menuliskan tentangmu, sebab, saya tak ingin selalu membawamu sebagai objek tulisan saya—yang sudah jelas bahwa kamu saja sudah bahagia bersamanya. Saya tak pernah memaksamu untuk membaca ini semua, saya hanya mengutarakan semua perasaan saya agar sekiranya saya bisa merasa lega. Saya tahu bahwa kamu perempuan baik, maka dari itu, kamu pantas untuk mendapatkan laki - laki yang lebih baik, saya tahu bahwa kamu perempuan dewasa dan bisa bertanggung jawab atas segala keputusan yang telah kamu rencanakan, maka dari itu, kamu pantas untuk mendapatkan laki - laki yang tidak mempunyai sifat kekanak-kanakan, saya tahu bahwa kamu adalah perempuan yang tidak mudah cemburuan ketika kekasihmu dekat dengan lain orang, maka dari itu, kamu pantas untuk mendapatkan laki - laki yang tidak mudah merasa cemburu hingga kau selalu merasa dikekang, saya tahu bahwa ...

You’ll ask me what I see when I look at you, I’ll tell you it’s always fireflies and Aurora Borealis skies. Always the red in the apple that tempted Eve. That it’s always neon radiance. It’s always colors that before your voice I had not known. I’ll look at you like the world didn’t look this way before I met you, all dripping in gold and bathed in roseate glow. I’ll hold your heart in my hands cupped, ever so gently. Keep it close to my chest like the blood was my own. Like taking care of you was the sole reason stars had to die to give life to this body of mine. I’ll carve out a whole chamber from my heart, and in that space build you a home. I will give you a place in which you can feel like you always belong. Believe me when I tell you that your hands will never be empty of anything. I’ll give you more love than you know what to do with. Everything inside me will be for you too. For you, I will spill myself and overflo...

[] Maaf bila selama ini tak pernah bisa kuberikan kepastian untukmu, sebab memang tak ada hal berbeda yang kurasakan ketika di dekatmu. Tak mudah bagiku menjatuhkan hati, apalagi tatkala mengingat aku pernah berkali-kali tersakiti. Kuterima setiap perhatian dan bantuanmu, tak kuasa aku menolaknya sebab aku paham seperti apa rasanya diabaikan. Saat hadir di sisi kupikir itulah cara menghargai, setidaknya tak membuatmu bersedih atas bentuk kesia-siaan. Jangan terlalu berharap padaku, karena aku tak akan pernah bisa memberikan apa yang kau mau. Sesungguhnya aku bukanlah yang kau butuhkan dan kau bukanlah yang aku inginkan, kira-kira cukup sampai di situ aku mendefinisikannya. Kau dan aku bagai layaknya sepasang sepatu, selalu bisa saling beriringan namun tak bisa untuk bersatu. Masing-masing dari kita harus menemui takdirnya sendiri, tentu tak melalui cara menghampiri. Kita hanya perlu menyadari, makna kebersamaan pun bukan sesuatu kita cari. Dalam lubuk jiwaku tak ada dirimu, ada ha...

Dia tahu jika kau menyimpan perasaan padanya. Dia juga tahu jika dirinya tidak bisa membalasmu dengan perasaan yang sama. Kau hanya tempatnya berbagi cerita, tidak lebih dari sekadar teman bicara. Suatu hari, dia memilih pergi. Dia punya kekasih, lantas dia memutuskan untuk tidak menghubungimu lagi. Kau mencoba tidak apa-apa, toh selama ini juga bukan siapa-siapa. Hanya saja tidak bisa kau sangkal jika kau sedikit patah. Suatu hari, dia kembali. Kisah kasih dengan sang kekasih telah usai. Dia memutuskan untuk menjalin lagi komunikasi. Kau belum benar-benar mampu menghapus perasaan yang selama ini terasa tidak bisa pudar. Dia masih kau damba meski kau tahu jika kau tidak lebih dari sekadar pemuas bosan belaka. Bertamu ketika kau hampir menutup pintu, membuat rusuh lalu pergi lagi tanpa ada janji untuk bertemu. Yang perlu kau ingat; Bahagiamu adalah tanggung jawabmu. Orang yang betulan menghargaimu tidak akan bermain lantas berlalu. Pahamilah jika semua yang datang saat se...

Untuk para pejuang akademisi , Saat ini, seminggu ke depan, maupun bertahun-tahun yang akan datang, boleh saja teman dan orang lain menaksir kecerdasanmu dari deretan angka-angka di rapor. Bagi mereka, kemampuan dan bakatmu hanya dikotak-kotakkan dalam label Matematika, Geografi, Biologi, Sejarah, Fisika, Ekonomi, Bahasa, dan seterusnya. Bagi mereka, tingkat pencapaianmu hanya sebatas angka dua digit pada laporan kemajuan di akhir semester. Bisa saja orang tua mengukur keberhasilan pendidikanmu hanya dari sekilas warna merah atau hijau pengumuman di layar komputer. Bagi mereka, hijau artinya sukses dan merah artinya gagal, tanpa paham akan jerih payah dan usaha kerasmu selama ini. Bagi mereka, seluruh hidupmu dibentuk untuk saat ini, di mana akhirnya kamu mempertaruhkan segala kepintaran dan kerja keras pada sebuah ujian. Tidak perlu banyak mengeluh. Standar pendidikan kala ini memang diberikan dalam bentuk nilai, dan penerimaan memang hanya ditandakan dengan warna merah ataupu...