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This is a rant

Here's what I do when Im starting to lose hope in life and starting to think everything in life is meaningless:

Yes, I do think about ending my life. I think about how many time I've wasted my time doing all the shitty things. Im starting to blame myself for not ending my life earlier. But, I think and remember of the past. When I look back, my life is changing a lot. Well, it's not changing in a good way or bad either. It is changing in both way. And I think of the easiest way how to end my life. I think of the things that will kill me but will not hurt me either.

I think of how my mother would feel if I ever end my life. I picture her screaming and crying. But at the same time, I don't care. Because when I am feeling so down and losing hope in life—I never really care about what will others feel about it. I think and think. I'll cry and listen to the most emotional song that I have in my playlist.

And I think of how would I feel when I die. I think about the darkness. I think about the process. I think and think again. I have no idea what and how would a dead person would feel and be. And the thought of the existence of another life brings me back to the reality.

What if another life does exist? and what if it doesn't? my mind tend to question a lot of things when I'm breaking down. Question and question. Until I get tired of asking myself. Until I come to the point and the realization that to die is meaningless too.

So I'm here.
Living and dying.
But also laughing because life
can be so weird and funny sometimes.

— This is a rant.

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aku masih disini,masih berdiri di tempat yang sama. aku tak benar benar pergi darimu,aku hanya menepi dan membiarkan mu bahagia dengan jalan yang kau pilih. aku selalu menjagamu dalam diam, melihatmu dari kejauhan dan merindukanmu dalam sepi. kembalilah jika kau mau tak usah terburu-buru. 13 Desember 2021
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