This is a rant

Here's what I do when Im starting to lose hope in life and starting to think everything in life is meaningless:

Yes, I do think about ending my life. I think about how many time I've wasted my time doing all the shitty things. Im starting to blame myself for not ending my life earlier. But, I think and remember of the past. When I look back, my life is changing a lot. Well, it's not changing in a good way or bad either. It is changing in both way. And I think of the easiest way how to end my life. I think of the things that will kill me but will not hurt me either.

I think of how my mother would feel if I ever end my life. I picture her screaming and crying. But at the same time, I don't care. Because when I am feeling so down and losing hope in life—I never really care about what will others feel about it. I think and think. I'll cry and listen to the most emotional song that I have in my playlist.

And I think of how would I feel when I die. I think about the darkness. I think about the process. I think and think again. I have no idea what and how would a dead person would feel and be. And the thought of the existence of another life brings me back to the reality.

What if another life does exist? and what if it doesn't? my mind tend to question a lot of things when I'm breaking down. Question and question. Until I get tired of asking myself. Until I come to the point and the realization that to die is meaningless too.

So I'm here.
Living and dying.
But also laughing because life
can be so weird and funny sometimes.

— This is a rant.

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

jomblo dan kembang api :v

Gambar
Kata orang jomblo itu engga enak dan gak asik, hape sepi, engga ada yg ngucapin gut nait, gut morning, gws, nyupport buat blajar. Itu semua bener, tapi bagi gue kata "engga asik dan engga enak" itu salah deh, 2 tahun gue jalani hidup dengan menjomblo itu asik dan happy2 aja, entah apa itu cuman gue?.    Cuman yg bikin iri tuh kalo kita lagi ngumpul sama temen yg udah pada punya pacar, kenapa? karena sekarang pacar itu bukan untuk mengisi hati yg sedang kosong aja, tapi sekarang "pacar" itu buat ikutan ajang pameran. Iya hampir semua temen gue memamerkan semua pacar-2 nya, sedang-kan gue? gue cuman bisa ngomong, "iya cantik ya cewe lu", "lu cocok kok", "harmonis ya hubungan lu", Sampe yg rada gila "lu bedua cocok kok, sama-2 suka ngupil di tempat umum". Jadi pas gue sama temen2 gue ngumpul, mereka pada asik sms-an sama pacarnya, nah gue cuma bisa jongkok sambil ngupil.    Sebelum gue jomblo gue pe
Baca selengkapnya

disable

Gambar
aku masih disini,masih berdiri di tempat yang sama. aku tak benar benar pergi darimu,aku hanya menepi dan membiarkan mu bahagia dengan jalan yang kau pilih. aku selalu menjagamu dalam diam, melihatmu dari kejauhan dan merindukanmu dalam sepi. kembalilah jika kau mau tak usah terburu-buru. 13 Desember 2021
Baca selengkapnya

Shattering words.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my favorite round table with some friends. They saw you walked by in front of me. You didn't say hi or hello, and neither did I. But everyone who were there, knew, that I was staring at you. Hoping that you would say something, or just smile. But I should've not hope too much. But it didn't hurt me either, my heart was absolutely fine. I was surprised by the way I felt, on that day. Until a friend of mine started to ask "Dude, are you okay? forget about her. She looks so fine without you." Hearing that, I immediately smiled. I stared at her for one minute. I could see it on her face, she looks fretted. "I've loved so many people in the past, I gave them all I had. Yet they decided to leave. It was terrible at first. And I should've learn that destiny will always break me. But I cou ldn 't feel anything now. Maybe it's because I gave them so much love that I have nothing now. No feelings, just emptiness. And I am
Baca selengkapnya